I’ve heard a lot of crap about the Bush family over the years—that they’re part of a worldwide Illuminati conspiracy to sell blacks tainted fried chicken, that they’re part of a black conspiracy to sell the Illuminati tainted gum, that they descend from the son of Catwoman and Genghis Khan, that they’re actually half-Martian half-dolphin half-human half-potato-pancakes who have taken full human form by injecting superdoses of vitamin B12 into their skulls, that they’re part of a 433 billion Bush clan of underground dwellers put in earth a billion years ago by Satan’s second cousin’s second cousin Jimmy, that they’re hiding 99.9% of the world’s oil supply in Jupiter’s fourth moon, that they executed a Saddam Hussein look-alike and are using the real one (who is actually L. Ron Hubbard) as an intergalactic hostage, that they’re actually a group of Native American Islamic Zionists headed by Andrew Dice Clay and Jerry Seinfeld, that George W. voices Moe Szyslak on The Simpsons, that they changed the Christ’s name from Phrabat Somdej Pibulsonggr Chakrabongse Paraminthara to Jesus, that Osama Bin Laden is actually George W.’s long lost brother Benny L. Bush, that they sold San Antonio to Mexico in 1998, that they created the Republican party using a time-traveling talking kangaroo, that they built Dick Cheney out of a 1977 Chevrolet Impala, that they’re the ones who bent space and time, that George W. is George H.W. and George H.W. is Mr. T., that their original last name is Pubic-Hair, that they’re spying on the world through its pipes and toilets, that they control the Jews that control the media that controls the world (including the Bushes themselves), that they’ve been sending secret messages to aliens through the classified section of the Jewish Journal, that all UV rays actually come from the forehead of George H.W., that every time a bell rings a Bush kills a Democrat, that they’re from an alternate universe where “tacos” are called “burritos” and vice versa, that George W. is actually thirty three different people—all of whom are both the Christ and the antichrist, that the movie Steel Magnolias is actually based on the opposite of George Sr.’s imaginary life, that Dr. Seuss is actually a Bush family member who devoted his life to brainwashing little children, that global warming is the direct result of a secret Bush “greenhouse” handshake that involves four can openers and a Mitsubishi hubcap, that they secretly communicate with aliens through arts & crafts magazine barcodes, that all four Kiss members are clones of Jeb Bush, that they collect $0.43 and twelve shekels every time someone presses Ctrl+Alt+Delete on a computer keyboard, that they bought and sold James Brown’s soul 443 times in August of 1968, that George Sr. and Mark Fuhrman planted the semen stain on Monica Lewinsky’s dress, that George Sr. temporarily switched bodies with Joe Montana during the closing minutes of Super Bowl XXIII, that they attempted to change the title of War and Peace to War and War, and that they make up 27% of Kool & The Gang.
And guess what?
It’s all true—every word of it.
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A new book entitled 